Yesterday, while at WalMart, my cell phone rang. It was my son's (catholic school) teacher (whom I hadn't met yet) asking me if I could come in to talk to her about my son's lack of motivation for school work and his *cough* behavior. We set up an appointment for 20 minutes later, and away we went. I was completely pissed off at this point, because my son had been telling me that school was going "great!" I had to hurry through WalMart and of course, didn't get half of the stuff I needed (translate: my cats are eating dog food.) So, in my complete rush and stressed-out mind state, I showed up at the school (thank God I fixed my hair today, I was thinking) and sat down with DJ's teacher. First of all, she is completely mature and beautiful, with long, flowy, blowy blond hair, blue eyes and perfect teeth and figure. She's awesome, and very pleasant to talk to. She didn't even talk bad about my son, she was just very caring and thoughtful about what we can do to help him. It was going well.

I forgot to turn off my cell phone. Oh, and I had my husband's cell phone in my purse too, not turned off.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, my phone starts ringing. But this wasn't just ANY ring tone. It was the ring tone that I downloaded and set ONLY for my cousin Dawn, who has never, ever called me, NOT ONE TIME since we were, like, teenagers. The reason I set it for HER was BECAUSE she never calls me, and cuz I didn't actually want it to play that song in an inappropriate time. (like this one.)

You know that song by Buck Cherry? Called Crazy Bitch? THAT ONE. Except it's only the part towards the end that says *just* Crazy Bitch over and over and over. OH MY GOD, it started playing. And I couldn't find my phone. I was digging through my purse, saying over and over... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Each I'm sorry was more frantic-sounding than the last. Finally, there's my phone. NO, it's my husbands... back to searching. CRAZY BITCH, CRAZY BITCH, CRAZY BITCH... Here it is... GOOD GOD, WHY WON'T YOU TURN OFF?? ~CRAZY BITCH, CRAZY BITCH~ TURN OFF. PUSH BUTTONS, TURN OOFFFFFFFFFF.

My god, I wanted to just DIE right then.

The teacher, she didn't crack a smile. Not even a little. But I have to hand it to her, after one final I'm sorry from me, she just continued the conversation as if THE WORST THING hadn't just happened.

I know what she's thinking. NO WONDER HER SON HAS A BEHAVIOR PROBLEM.

Okay, so I haven't gone to the doctor yet. (Not only am I a selfish bitch, I also PROCRASTINATE.) The depression got really really bad last week, and it was all I could do to get out of bed and NOT CRY, like, every minute of the day.

That old Wellbutrin I said I had? I took one, then another the next day, and now, I am feeling a little better. I cleaned my room today! (Note: I rarely clean my room. To illustrate, I have one of those desktop flip calendars with inspirational messages, no year, so you can use it every year, and said calendar sits on my dresser. I only flip the page when I clean my room. Guess what the date was? April 28th. That's a long ass time ago in dust-years.)

Ya'll remember my little sister, Brianna? The one I posted about a while back? Well, she is now going to NA and AA meetings. Every day. She has talked to me about it a few times, and she talks about how much she loves going to them. It is such a relief and a burden off of our family. She's still with the stupid boyfriend, but he put himself into rehab, and that's kind of why she started the meetings. I don't care why, as long as she goes. I wanted to share that, and to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers.

School started last week. My kids did, in fact, make it to the first day of school. Remember last year? I was having surgery on what I thought was the first day of school, but it really was the second day. (Stress makes me lose my head. Speaking of lose, LOOSE is a totally different word, internet. Please, look them up and commit them to memory.)

That part just made me realize that it's been a WHOLE YEAR since my endometriosis-removal surgery. Apparently it didn't help. WAH. Now it looks like I may not even be ovulating anymore. WTF? Zeeks finally put it into words for me. I walk around with a freaking cloud over my head. I think it's the reason for all of this extended depression nonsense that I just can't shake. Sometimes I think I'm going to totally abandon the internet altogether, but don't, because, would it really help? Plus, I really do LOVE to read about everyone else and their thoughts, and their babies. I love babies, even if they aren't my own. I really am excited about my bro and sis-in-law having their baby, mostly because it's all I have to look forward to. It's a baby! That's related to ME! And I get to LOVE IT. ALOT. (!)

I have never, ever, in 17 years of having periods, been excited to see it. But.... YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Thank you, god! It's about fucking time.

Hello. My name is Stephanie, and I'm a selfish bitch.

I'm starting to realize (wisdom from being an old, almost 30 year old?) that maybe my husband is right when he gets mad at me all the freaking time. Maybe I don't do anything nice for him. Maybe I don't have sex with him enough. (We have awesome sex, but I just don't ever feeeeeel like it.) Maybe I don't take his thoughts and feelings into consideration, like, ever. Maybe he needs to hear nice things from me once in a while.

I don't want to read in the comments that I'm wrong, and he's a dick. Because I really am selfish. We live in MY hometown where MY family is, I control our money, I decide what will be on the TV in the evening. MY computer is in fine working order, while his is broke down and hasn't been fixed yet. I don't want to discuss feelings and all that crap, when he would love nothing more. GOD, I'm such a man. He is the primary caretaker of the kids now. Not that I need to defend myself here, but they are 11 and 9. They want to play baseball, football, basketball, video games... and so does he. I talk to them, I encourage them, I feed them, I wash their clothes, but mostly? I work all the time. I am failing as a wife, mostly, and as a mother, somewhat.

I know I have so many faults. Why do I blame all our problems on my husband? He is mostly a good man. He has his problems, but he's probably just an asshole because he's frustrated with me and all MY problems.

I'm not sure what to do about it, though. I went as far as googling "How to be a good wife" today. I didn't find ANYTHING helpful. There are so many sites and long rants geared towards men and how to make a woman happy, but nothing for the vice versa group. Is this because we women are SO convinced that men are the root of all problems and men are too afraid to put up a site to help us? I'd be afraid of me, if I were a man. Cuz I can be a roarin' bitch.

I know I really need to post- if only to get that terrible picture of my little girl off the top here. She's much better now, after many, many cool baths and a cortisone shot.

I guess I keep it in my head that something important or interesting has to happen to me in order to post about it. If you have been reading for a while, you know that I am not very interesting. (and yet, I'm SO FUNNY in real life. HA! HAA. HAAAA.)

I'm sitting here with my 24hour live feed of BIG BROTHER on in another window, with my Tshirt folded up under my un-brawed boobs. I think I may still have last night's makeup smeared around my eyes. God, I'm sexy. (I don't want to hear anything negative about the fact that I subscribe to BIG BROTHER live feeds. I am so not a dork. Really. I know who has HOH this week, and you don't. I also know who he/SHE has put up for eviction. AND YOU DON'T. Like you care.)

Well, It's day 35 in TheLongestCycleInStephanieHistory and it shows no signs that it's about to end. Those evap lines on FactPlus? Are haunting me. Fuckers.

I'm so very idiotic that I've agreed to work an extra 24 hours this weekend at my second job. I have always loved working at the nursing home, but I'm totally dreading it. I've already put my 40 hours in this week and then I go and do this. FUCK. I am fucked for sleep. Also? Depressed. I now wonder why I ever stopped taking my anti-depressant. Oh, God, how I miss my Paxil CR. I just looked up in the medicine cabinet and I have some long-expired Wellbutrin up there. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if I took one? How do these people live with me? I totally suck. GAH.

I saw Talladega Nights last night. It's not quite as good as Anchorman, but still Damn Funny. I'm not a Nascar fan AT ALL, so maybe I didn't pick up some of the subtle-er humor. I love love love me some Will Farrell, though. I order you to go see it.

The end.



(LOOK AT THAT GAP-TOOTH! I WEEP FOR THE FUTURE DENTAL BILLS.)