I'm Kind of a Big Deal

I'm just so full of awesome that I had to get some of it out.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Everyone has to have a sad post. By this I mean a post that shows the depths of despair their soul has sunk to on that particular day.

Well, today's the day, folks.

Sometimes you can be sitting there minding your own little happy business and then it just smacks you upside the head. WTF?

Last night the CNA's and I were sitting outside on a break from the stressful and sad labor of love we call a job. We talked about some of our beloved residents who never had children. Some of the sweetest little ladies we care for never had the opportunity to mother a child. It made me remember a situation when, in clinicals for school, I had an elderly lady for a patient. When completing my "FUCKING care plan" (ask a nurse... they know... the words "care plan" can never be uttered without a gaaaaahh after it and a look of mixed disgust and nausea on his or her face) I had to ask this lady many invasive questions about her family, spirituality, history... etc.

Well, this particular day was 4 days after my miscarriage last January. (Time off from school and clinicals? Not unless I wanted to flunk.) The sweet lady told me she never had any children. She said she had started on three, but never got to hold them; she lost them before they were born. Then she looked at me with a countenance of pain and heartbreak... and a tear. That woman was 88 years old. The pain was still there. I cried. She cried.

I gave a somewhat shorter version of that story to my coworkers (meaning none of the emotional stuff) last night. My co-worker said, "Oh, I'm sorry Stephanie. I didn't know you had had a miscarriage. How far along were you?" I told her not very far along, just 5 or 6 weeks. (sounding totally nonchalant. I think.) She said, "well, that's far along enough to get excited about it." I explained that I was so very excited, because it was what we had waited for for 6 years before. The girls looked uneasy and sympathetic all at the same time, and I said, "well, it's time to get back to work."

Last night's conversation is still there, in my mind. Isn't it crazy how we can just sail along and then having (or choosing) to explain it to someone brings it all back.

I am now sitting here with the TV on in the background. It's tuned in to CMT, which can always be counted on for begging you to call up every emotion you can muster.

The song that made me cry, alot, is here:

"Monday Morning Church"

You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to
God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid

You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church

The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground
I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer

You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church

This song is sad for the obvious reasons, in addition to my own personal reasons that stem from the problems I'm having with religion nowadays. I used to enjoy church. I take pride in the fact that I can give that to my kids. I'm no "Jesus Freak" by any means, but I feel better when I go to church. I'm Catholic, and came from a big Catholic family. There are many BIG CATHOLIC families that go to my church. I know what they are thinking, because I used to think the same thing before my "problem." LOOK at that woman with only two kids! I can't believe she only has 2! I bet she uses... (OH GOD, NO)... BIRTH CONTROL! (You'll never understand unless you were raised in a big Catholic family. Insert *wink* at Katie here.) I am SO NOT ABOUT TO KNOCK the use of birth control. It's cool for all you sinners who aren't Catholic. (That's just a little too much isn't it? I'M KIDDING! JEEZ!) It just wasn't for me. I wanted LOTS of kids. Sounds greedy when you are smack dab in the middle of or even understand the pain of infertility, but if you aren't infertile or don't understand infertility, it's all about my choice and your choice of how many kids to have. knowwhatimean?

I don't like God anymore. Attending Mass has become SO hard, SO hurtful, and SO just-fucking-awful that I can't do it anymore. Perhaps this hurts me the most.

Hence, the song.

Posted by some girl at 1/14/2005 11:12:00 AM

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