I don't know what it is. I'm not sure how to explain it. Why isn't there a specific word or phrase that you can say to someone that means "I just want a baby, that's why"- and have them understand?
My son was 9 months old the first time my AF was late (since he was born. I mean, obviously I was late at least twice before that...) You gotta remember, I'm like a fucking clock- really- I set my watch by it. (I have to remember to tell it to reset now since the earth has gone off it's axis???) K, well, I took a test then and was surprised that I was sad when I saw one line. I hadn't thought about another baby so soon, but I've always been a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. Never wasted a cent on birth control- unless you count the 75 cents I splurged on that condom in the swanky convenience store bathroom- and I only unrolled it and blew it up as a balloon. For two and a half more years of not-trying-to-try, and hundreds of sexual encounters with my lovely husband (he's so lovely), I began to wonder. I even asked my kids' pediatrician what I could do. She said to DO IT every other day. Tried it. Didn't work. After about another year, I had full-blown baby fever. I took the plunge and saw an OB, if not for the damned infertility, but for this damned pain I was having every month (That's not normal?? What??) Thousands of dollars later, I was nowhere closer to a baby than I had been when I took that first test with a nine-month-old and a three-year-old under my feet.
So, here I was, watching my brothers and sisters, aunts, cousins, friends ... all have babies. Longing more and more each day. You all know what I'm saying here.
Oh, but wait, you're saying. You have two!!!!! Two beautiful kids, that some people would kill for!! (and apparantly they do. Let me tell you, that woman made all us Infertile, Recurrent Miscarriers From Kansas look crazy-- Seriously.)
Let me explain. It's not that I'm greedy (maybe I am?) but I came from a BIG family. No, really. I was the fourth child of 8. That's One, Two, Three, ME, Five, Six, Seven, Eight. I have 56 first cousins. (My dad was one of ten, and my mom was one of five.) My point? Family is of UTMOST importance in my life. I feel SO blessed to have my 4 brothers and 3 sisters. I talk to each and every one of them weekly, some of them daily. We are very close. I want to give that same gift of family to my kids. (Geez, I think they are spoiled with all that one-on-one attention we give them! SHIT!)
This year, 2004, changed things a little. Probably for the worst. Still trying to figure that out. But for one week, one solid WEEK this year, I was pregnant. (I was actually pregnant a little longer than that, but I KNEW it for a WEEK.) I was blissfully, happily, undeniably!! pregnant. My husband, oh, he was so cute. He smiled alot and rubbed my belly (a whole bunch! Like, the whole WEEK!!) It was precious ... ... ... I won't rehash the whole bloody scene, but that was ripped away from us. Ripped from Me, ripped from Dan, ripped from Jarikah and ripped from DJ. Jesus Christ, that sucked. If nothing else, that miscarriage strengthened my resolve and my marriage. Several more chemical pregnancies this year have taught me alot about my body. I learned that I'm not a HOPELESS INFERTILE, my body just don't want no baby in it, and kicks 'em out. OUT, OUT, OUT, you helpless embryo.
I'm Kind of a Big DealI'm just so full of awesome that I had to get some of it out.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Posted by some girl at 12/31/2004 01:27:00 PM
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