Actually, I'm not too bad today, all things considered.
The cramps and the bleeding this morning was my first clue to the fact that I'm still not pregnant.
How ironic, today of all days in a cycle.
I'm Kind of a Big DealI'm just so full of awesome that I had to get some of it out.
Cara //
Tuesday, January 25, 2005 3:50:00 PM- Crista //
Friday, January 28, 2005 6:55:00 AM
- barb //
Monday, January 31, 2005 6:19:00 PM
- Jenn //
Monday, January 31, 2005 6:42:00 PM
- Kether //
Tuesday, February 01, 2005 8:34:00 PM
- Cara //
Monday, January 17, 2005 3:02:00 PM
- Summer Girl //
Monday, January 17, 2005 4:27:00 PM
- Patty //
Monday, January 24, 2005 9:03:00 AM
- Summer Girl //
Friday, January 14, 2005 2:35:00 PM
- Carol P //
Wednesday, January 12, 2005 3:32:00 AM
- Patty //
Friday, January 14, 2005 5:40:00 AM
- Summer Girl //
Monday, January 03, 2005 2:31:00 PM
- Crista //
Wednesday, January 05, 2005 12:41:00 PM
- Carol P //
Sunday, January 02, 2005 3:38:00 AM
- Patty //
Sunday, January 02, 2005 5:14:00 PM
- Patty //
Sunday, January 02, 2005 5:15:00 PM
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Monday, January 17, 2005
No freaking wonder she always looks wild-and-crazy-eyed.
Jarikah came home today and was telling me the usual stories from her day of 4th grade. Today, she was saying, as I was only half-listening (I know! Bad parent alert!), that when her teacher said when she has her baby, she will bring it to see the kids. I said, after the phrase, "has her baby" caught my attention, "Oh, your teacher is having a baby?" She said, while rolling her eyes, (see what you have to look forward to? Attitude, all day long.), "No, mom, not yet."
Me: But she's trying to have one?
J: Yes, for over a year.
Me: She said that? To you guys?
J: Yes.
Me: hmm
J: She had a surgery that will help her have a baby. Don't you remember, when I had a substitute?
Me: Oh, yeah, I remember.
J: I told her that you couldn't have a baby, either. And that you have tried for more than 6 years.
Me: you said that?
J: yeah. Why?
Me: Nevermind.
Won't we have a wonderful conversation topic for the next parent-teacher meeting?
Jarikah came home today and was telling me the usual stories from her day of 4th grade. Today, she was saying, as I was only half-listening (I know! Bad parent alert!), that when her teacher said when she has her baby, she will bring it to see the kids. I said, after the phrase, "has her baby" caught my attention, "Oh, your teacher is having a baby?" She said, while rolling her eyes, (see what you have to look forward to? Attitude, all day long.), "No, mom, not yet."
Me: But she's trying to have one?
J: Yes, for over a year.
Me: She said that? To you guys?
J: Yes.
Me: hmm
J: She had a surgery that will help her have a baby. Don't you remember, when I had a substitute?
Me: Oh, yeah, I remember.
J: I told her that you couldn't have a baby, either. And that you have tried for more than 6 years.
Me: you said that?
J: yeah. Why?
Me: Nevermind.
Won't we have a wonderful conversation topic for the next parent-teacher meeting?
Friday, January 14, 2005
Everyone has to have a sad post. By this I mean a post that shows the depths of despair their soul has sunk to on that particular day.
Well, today's the day, folks.
Sometimes you can be sitting there minding your own little happy business and then it just smacks you upside the head. WTF?
Last night the CNA's and I were sitting outside on a break from the stressful and sad labor of love we call a job. We talked about some of our beloved residents who never had children. Some of the sweetest little ladies we care for never had the opportunity to mother a child. It made me remember a situation when, in clinicals for school, I had an elderly lady for a patient. When completing my "FUCKING care plan" (ask a nurse... they know... the words "care plan" can never be uttered without a gaaaaahh after it and a look of mixed disgust and nausea on his or her face) I had to ask this lady many invasive questions about her family, spirituality, history... etc.
Well, this particular day was 4 days after my miscarriage last January. (Time off from school and clinicals? Not unless I wanted to flunk.) The sweet lady told me she never had any children. She said she had started on three, but never got to hold them; she lost them before they were born. Then she looked at me with a countenance of pain and heartbreak... and a tear. That woman was 88 years old. The pain was still there. I cried. She cried.
I gave a somewhat shorter version of that story to my coworkers (meaning none of the emotional stuff) last night. My co-worker said, "Oh, I'm sorry Stephanie. I didn't know you had had a miscarriage. How far along were you?" I told her not very far along, just 5 or 6 weeks. (sounding totally nonchalant. I think.) She said, "well, that's far along enough to get excited about it." I explained that I was so very excited, because it was what we had waited for for 6 years before. The girls looked uneasy and sympathetic all at the same time, and I said, "well, it's time to get back to work."
Last night's conversation is still there, in my mind. Isn't it crazy how we can just sail along and then having (or choosing) to explain it to someone brings it all back.
I am now sitting here with the TV on in the background. It's tuned in to CMT, which can always be counted on for begging you to call up every emotion you can muster.
The song that made me cry, alot, is here:
"Monday Morning Church"
You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to
God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground
I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
This song is sad for the obvious reasons, in addition to my own personal reasons that stem from the problems I'm having with religion nowadays. I used to enjoy church. I take pride in the fact that I can give that to my kids. I'm no "Jesus Freak" by any means, but I feel better when I go to church. I'm Catholic, and came from a big Catholic family. There are many BIG CATHOLIC families that go to my church. I know what they are thinking, because I used to think the same thing before my "problem." LOOK at that woman with only two kids! I can't believe she only has 2! I bet she uses... (OH GOD, NO)... BIRTH CONTROL! (You'll never understand unless you were raised in a big Catholic family. Insert *wink* at Katie here.) I am SO NOT ABOUT TO KNOCK the use of birth control. It's cool for all you sinners who aren't Catholic. (That's just a little too much isn't it? I'M KIDDING! JEEZ!) It just wasn't for me. I wanted LOTS of kids. Sounds greedy when you are smack dab in the middle of or even understand the pain of infertility, but if you aren't infertile or don't understand infertility, it's all about my choice and your choice of how many kids to have. knowwhatimean?
I don't like God anymore. Attending Mass has become SO hard, SO hurtful, and SO just-fucking-awful that I can't do it anymore. Perhaps this hurts me the most.
Hence, the song.
Well, today's the day, folks.
Sometimes you can be sitting there minding your own little happy business and then it just smacks you upside the head. WTF?
Last night the CNA's and I were sitting outside on a break from the stressful and sad labor of love we call a job. We talked about some of our beloved residents who never had children. Some of the sweetest little ladies we care for never had the opportunity to mother a child. It made me remember a situation when, in clinicals for school, I had an elderly lady for a patient. When completing my "FUCKING care plan" (ask a nurse... they know... the words "care plan" can never be uttered without a gaaaaahh after it and a look of mixed disgust and nausea on his or her face) I had to ask this lady many invasive questions about her family, spirituality, history... etc.
Well, this particular day was 4 days after my miscarriage last January. (Time off from school and clinicals? Not unless I wanted to flunk.) The sweet lady told me she never had any children. She said she had started on three, but never got to hold them; she lost them before they were born. Then she looked at me with a countenance of pain and heartbreak... and a tear. That woman was 88 years old. The pain was still there. I cried. She cried.
I gave a somewhat shorter version of that story to my coworkers (meaning none of the emotional stuff) last night. My co-worker said, "Oh, I'm sorry Stephanie. I didn't know you had had a miscarriage. How far along were you?" I told her not very far along, just 5 or 6 weeks. (sounding totally nonchalant. I think.) She said, "well, that's far along enough to get excited about it." I explained that I was so very excited, because it was what we had waited for for 6 years before. The girls looked uneasy and sympathetic all at the same time, and I said, "well, it's time to get back to work."
Last night's conversation is still there, in my mind. Isn't it crazy how we can just sail along and then having (or choosing) to explain it to someone brings it all back.
I am now sitting here with the TV on in the background. It's tuned in to CMT, which can always be counted on for begging you to call up every emotion you can muster.
The song that made me cry, alot, is here:
"Monday Morning Church"
You left your Bible on the dresser
So I put it in the drawer
'Cause I can't seem to talk to
God without yelling anymore
And when I sit at your piano
I can almost hear those hymns
The keys are just collecting dust
But I can't close the lid
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can heart the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
The preacher came by Sunday
Said he missed me at the service
He told me Jesus loves me
But I'm not sure I deserve it
'Cause the faithful man that you loved
Is nowhere to be found
Since they took all that he believed
And laid it in the ground
I still believe in Heaven
And I'm sure you've made it there
But as for me without your love, girl
I don't have a prayer
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
It used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts
And I can hear the devil whisper "Things are only getting worse"
You left my heart as empty As a Monday morning church
This song is sad for the obvious reasons, in addition to my own personal reasons that stem from the problems I'm having with religion nowadays. I used to enjoy church. I take pride in the fact that I can give that to my kids. I'm no "Jesus Freak" by any means, but I feel better when I go to church. I'm Catholic, and came from a big Catholic family. There are many BIG CATHOLIC families that go to my church. I know what they are thinking, because I used to think the same thing before my "problem." LOOK at that woman with only two kids! I can't believe she only has 2! I bet she uses... (OH GOD, NO)... BIRTH CONTROL! (You'll never understand unless you were raised in a big Catholic family. Insert *wink* at Katie here.) I am SO NOT ABOUT TO KNOCK the use of birth control. It's cool for all you sinners who aren't Catholic. (That's just a little too much isn't it? I'M KIDDING! JEEZ!) It just wasn't for me. I wanted LOTS of kids. Sounds greedy when you are smack dab in the middle of or even understand the pain of infertility, but if you aren't infertile or don't understand infertility, it's all about my choice and your choice of how many kids to have. knowwhatimean?
I don't like God anymore. Attending Mass has become SO hard, SO hurtful, and SO just-fucking-awful that I can't do it anymore. Perhaps this hurts me the most.
Hence, the song.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Had ya there for a minute, yes? No?
I'll explain.
My husband and I have been married for (gulp) almost EIGHT years. My sweet little Jarikah started calling him daddy right around her second birthday, when we decided to get married. (Ya know, when I missed my period and got a second line? Yeah, Suck My Ass, Used-to-be-Fertile Me.)
We're making it official. My baby girl is 10 now, and Dan has decided that now is the right time to proceed with the adoption. (Since her real dad has never been IN the picture, and is currently serving a prison sentence for the manufacture of meth...) Good times, good times. (Um, ok, I was 17 and he had a fast car. I NEVER consumed (smoked, shot up?) meth. I did smoke a lot of pot in my day, but all in the past, my girls.)
I've been doing some research online about step-parent adoption. I happened upon several sites that touted "Do It Yourself Adoption- No Lawyer Needed!" Not being rich, this sounds good to me. I paid the $29.95 and received a packet of papers in the mail. This packet contains fill-in-the-blank legal forms--everything you need to file for a step-parent adoption.
Not only are these forms fill-in-the-blank, they have many options to choose from on each form that fits YOUR situation. Except I don't understand them. Hubby also doesn't understand them. I think we'll be contacting a lawyer very soon.
Now, how does one get into a prison with legal forms and a notary? (I don't even know where the Fuck he is!!! Ah, the funny part, I work with his wife. My daughter's toothless step-mother.)
Documentation: I'm ovulating today. (probably.)
I'll explain.
My husband and I have been married for (gulp) almost EIGHT years. My sweet little Jarikah started calling him daddy right around her second birthday, when we decided to get married. (Ya know, when I missed my period and got a second line? Yeah, Suck My Ass, Used-to-be-Fertile Me.)
We're making it official. My baby girl is 10 now, and Dan has decided that now is the right time to proceed with the adoption. (Since her real dad has never been IN the picture, and is currently serving a prison sentence for the manufacture of meth...) Good times, good times. (Um, ok, I was 17 and he had a fast car. I NEVER consumed (smoked, shot up?) meth. I did smoke a lot of pot in my day, but all in the past, my girls.)
I've been doing some research online about step-parent adoption. I happened upon several sites that touted "Do It Yourself Adoption- No Lawyer Needed!" Not being rich, this sounds good to me. I paid the $29.95 and received a packet of papers in the mail. This packet contains fill-in-the-blank legal forms--everything you need to file for a step-parent adoption.
Not only are these forms fill-in-the-blank, they have many options to choose from on each form that fits YOUR situation. Except I don't understand them. Hubby also doesn't understand them. I think we'll be contacting a lawyer very soon.
Now, how does one get into a prison with legal forms and a notary? (I don't even know where the Fuck he is!!! Ah, the funny part, I work with his wife. My daughter's toothless step-mother.)
Documentation: I'm ovulating today. (probably.)
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Well, it looks like I wasn't thinking very clearly. Seeing's how my cycles are 24-25 days, and CD 1 was December 31st.... see where I'm going with this?
In other news, my job officially started sucking. For the second time, I was CHEWED THE FUCK OUT by a doctor. Me, the poor little nurse, I was just trying to let him know how HIS patient was doing- apparantly 7pm isn't the time to bother him. FUCKSTICK. (But you know, us nursing-home nurses are too stupid to work in a hospital anyway, and we MUST be ignorant.) Incidentally, this happens to be the same GP that my kids, my husband, and myself go to. We're currently looking for a new one... probably one in the same office. (HA!) Now that I've seen (or heard) firsthand how much he truly cares for his patients (after office hours, of course) I don't think I want any part of it.
(Have I told you how much I love parenthesis?)
In other news, my job officially started sucking. For the second time, I was CHEWED THE FUCK OUT by a doctor. Me, the poor little nurse, I was just trying to let him know how HIS patient was doing- apparantly 7pm isn't the time to bother him. FUCKSTICK. (But you know, us nursing-home nurses are too stupid to work in a hospital anyway, and we MUST be ignorant.) Incidentally, this happens to be the same GP that my kids, my husband, and myself go to. We're currently looking for a new one... probably one in the same office. (HA!) Now that I've seen (or heard) firsthand how much he truly cares for his patients (after office hours, of course) I don't think I want any part of it.
(Have I told you how much I love parenthesis?)
Saturday, January 01, 2005
...I won't be pregnant on my First Annual Miscarriage Rememberance Day. (I should hang a flag- put it on your calendars, folks. One great big sobfest coming up, January 25th.)