I have a concept mulling around that may seem foreign to ALL of you.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to babysit for my friend Lori. I had a barely-two-month-old baby for nearly 8 hours. Also, this happened to be the day that we were holding a barbecue for my 7-year-old son to celebrate his first communion. (look at him... he is SO precious!)






(I give up on trying to make them smaller. They just look wrong. Also, I'm uploading from photobucket... I can't figure out that HELLO thing.)

Oh, about the babysitting-the-new-baby thing. We're getting ready for this barbecue, right? And I have to go to the STORE. TO BUY STUFF. WITH A 2 MONTH OLD. Good Lord. I couldn't figure out HOW I was gonna get that baby, my 2 kids, and all the stuff I would need for this baby in and out of the store, plus successfully buy the things I needed. I just didn't have the energy to even THINK about it. (Where was my husband? On the computer, of course. No, he wasn't gonna take care of someone else's baby.) At that exact moment I kinda figured out that I might sorta maybe almost in a nonchalant way, might not want another baby. Let's just say that it put some doubt in my mind.

Well, that got me thinking. About my life. And how great it is now that I don't have to chase my kids. They are pretty much self-sufficient by now. (I said "pretty much.") What I mean is, I don't have to CHASE them all day. I'm not "tethered" to them. I have a life, for the first time in my life. This is SO foreign to me. That thought. I had never allowed myself to think about ME.

I realize, with much contemplation on the matter, that I am simply exhausted after 3 years of school and working two jobs through most of it. I guess it didn't seem that hard at the time, just being where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there, and paying attention. Maybe after the dust settles I will be able to focus on why/when/HOW I might have another baby. But for now, I'm thinking, simply, not now.

One more random thought--- maybe I'm just protecting my fragile hold on sanity. (Because if I have to deal with any more "can't get pregnant" crap, it just might break.)

Who knows.